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Sick of being sick.


By mouldy


Whilst some of you have been enjoying a peaceful interlude, sans my company and inane comments, I’ve decided to ‘invite’ myself back. (Snigr).
The break was due to health problems…ie, weight losd and arthritis.
(The readers do their utmost to hide bored -we’ve-heard-all-this-before expressions).
However, it was, mostly, due to mental health problems.
(Now they’re on the edge of their seats, excited, some with knowing expressions, as they always suspected poor old Mouldy of being a tad looney).
The latter was the result of my taking a prescribed course of anti-smoking tablets, called ‘Champix’.
Those of a gentler disposition may choose to leave at this point, whilst those made of sterner stuff are advised to stock up on tissues, maybe entire toilet rolls or, failing that, several large bath towels.
Draw closer to the fire, as I…what?
It’s MY e-shed, so I can have a fire in here if I jolly well want to, now button it and let me get to…WHAT?
No, I DON’T have marshmallows to toast!
Here, there’s some stale bread, now hush or I’ll chuck you out in the dark…the very subject I wish to unveil…the darkness of the human mind.

I was given an indication of possible side-effects of said tablets, when my GP said I might also want to take a course of anti-depressants to counteract them!
The leaflet accompanying them hardly made me laugh.
First three possible side effects listed…nightmares, depression and self-harm!
Hallucinations (visual and auditory) came a poor fourth.
Okay, I thought, bring it on.
It did…with a vengeance!!!

Scary, what things sit, deep down, in the human mind.
Phobias and obssessive compulsive disorders, etc, manifest themselves outwardly, but there are horrors we supress on a daily (or nightly) basis, functioning and, generally, getting along with each other.

The first night on the tablets consisted of one nightmare after another.
Tired, out of sorts and under a cloud of depression, the next day wasn’t what I’d call a real hoot, but I decided to persevere.
The following night was worse and my GP took me off the anti-d’s…after telling me they worsen the problem before curing it!
(Some in the e-shed nod sagely).

Things just got darker from that point on.
Taking a walk to try to shake off unpleasant thoughts reminded me of one of the minor side-effects…skin that had become ultra-sensitive to sunlight, toiletries, (Yeah, laugh your socks off!), even towelling.

Night three ratcheted the bad dreams and blues up another gear and daylight saw me suitably garbed and sunblocked against harmful rays, taking a stroll by the canal to check on the progress of the building of the Commonwealth paddlesports venue.
Again, I mentally noted how they’d blocked off part of the canal to allow access to the site, which sat on a man-made ‘island’, thinking…that’s probably too shallow to drown myself.
A second or so later my blood ran cold!!!
From then on the thoughts of self-harm were constant.
Not every second, or even every minute, but every few and more difficult to shake off.
That’s how I survived for a fortnight, looking for an excuse not to end it all, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, always with that promised pot of gold just sitting at the end of a dark and sinister rainbow…giving up the smoking.
I’d made myself that promise and others, too.

Thanks for your support through one of those dark periods, Karen! XXX

At the end of the two weeks I was still smoking!
Was the entire ordeal to no avail?
(Mouldy wheezes out a chuckle)
Not really, because I learnt things about myself and have a greater sense of empathy with those who have to deal with depression, for instance, on a daily basis.
There were residual mental health problems I had to deal with and the skin problem has gradually lessened to such an extent I look as dark as a berry, after six, although not consecutive days, sunbathing. My neighbours are envious. Lol.

At this point I’d like to thank everyone for their support on the public forum and on PM’s.
I’m still not firing on all cylinders, as there’s still ongoing tests with my weight loss, but I’ve been to stranger places in my head.
Am I nuttier than I was?
You tell me. Lol.
Exits to left and right and remember…it’s dark out there…and other places. ;-)

(Mouldy banks up his e-fire, as the Platters sing ’Twilight Time)

More blog posts by mouldy

Previous post: Here today, gone today.



Oh Mouldy I've been on them twice and I'm still smoking, I know what you mean as regards the depression and other side effects so you have my every sympathy, I decided "SOD IT" it ain't worth losing my mind so won't go on them again..
Its good to see you back and your humorous way of writing about what you've been going through shows you're on the right track, missed your banter, I like your choice of background music but its a dead giveaway as our age group lol.......
You get a like for your blog cos its good to see you back ..........

23 Aug, 2014


Hi Billy ...
Nice to see you back on GoY...
... goodness, you've had a tough time ..

Seems like you are coping better now ..
... well done on getting yourself on a more positive path ..
Medications certainly affect different people in a variety of ways ...

Keep in touch with us xxx

23 Aug, 2014


Not a very nice tale, Billy. Glad you are getting through it, though. It is good to have you back!

23 Aug, 2014


I IS good to have you back ! You have been through the wars , haven't you, but at least now , hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel ! xx

23 Aug, 2014


Blimey Mouldy, what a journey you've had. Scarey stuff. Pleased you appear to coming out the other side though. Geez. I think I'll stick to the fags!

23 Aug, 2014


You are an extremely brave person Billy.

I have a neighbour who smokes thin cigars, cheroots I think they are called. Seems to get rid of the craving for her. Only she darent do it in the street !

There should be nicotine free cigarettes too, to help people like you. The tobacco companies would lose their wicked
trade in 6 months and be out of business.

All medicines are poison. A Dr. wrote this in The Observer
years ago. I never forgot it.

23 Aug, 2014


It's been a rough road for you Billy and although you've not quite reached your final destination, here's hoping the remaining part of your journey isn't quite so tough.
I'm sure I'm not the only one, you only need to read the comments above, that is well pleased to hear from you.
It's nice to have Mouldy back xx

23 Aug, 2014


I've added a like too,Mouldy..for your honesty and putting your feelings down in writing,for all to see.Good on yer,and it's great to see you are on the right track again..Not many admit to how they feel,and surely,it's the right way to go ? I won't give my ciggies up only vice (tongue in cheek) apart from those,I'm damned near perfect ! Lol..My GP has given up asking ,as he knows the reply..:o)
It really is good to see you back on here,and i hope,you are almost at the end of your long road..Keep that e- fire going,love your choice of song too..good old Platters :o)

23 Aug, 2014


Oh my word Mouldy! That sounds truly horrific. I was so worried about you, and am ever so glad that somehow you managed to survive all of that and are still with us....not only that, but you still managed to keep your sense of humour (perhaps not at the time, but it's still strong). I agree with impressed at your honesty and preparedness to share this with us...anyone suffering similar will be able to draw some strength from your experiences. But more importantly, it's great to know you...the real Billy, not just the funny Mouldy! :)) x sending E-hug...a proper warm one! X

23 Aug, 2014


Hi Mouldy, I had champix about 18 months ago, fortunately I didn't have the difficulties you have had, I also took them for a fortnight, they had very little effect as regards the stopping smoking, so I went back to the Dr, he was very surprised that I was still smoking, although I had cut down to about 6 a day before I went on the tablets, and just wanted help to stop completely, anyway he gave me nother 2 weeks supply, the full strength ones, I was convinced that they were not going to work, but after another few days, I started to feel that I was not enjoying a smoke, and it was beginning to make me feel a bit sickly, so after about another 5 days, I gave them up altogether, I have never had a ciggy since, I don't even feel like having 1, so now I have more money to spend on more important things, ie, plants/whisky, etc, Derek

23 Aug, 2014


Yes you fell into an ever deepening black and luckily, as you mentioned, those who cared (using another old adage) provided a candle to you to keep you from cursing the darkness. If you ever ever find that the candle has gone out, fight that darkness with all you've got until it bleeds light.

23 Aug, 2014


I like that Loosestrife......very good! :)

23 Aug, 2014


Welcome back, Mouldy Billie! I am sorry to hear of your troubles in trying to give up smoking. I do hope that you will somehow manage to succeed in the end. Drugs effect everyone differently & the Champix seems to have helped Derek, tho' it had a disastrous effect on you. Have you ever thought of hypnosis as a cure. I'm sure it would be less harmful than taking a drug & I have heard that it's very effective in curing habits such as smoking, nail biting etc. how gas your garden been doing whilst all this has been going on?

23 Aug, 2014


It's great to hear from you. What a tough time you've been through. I'd stick to the fags, the side effects of some drugs are far worse and not worth it.

23 Aug, 2014


Pleased to see you back with us Mouldy ... what a dreadful time you have had with that medication ... I wish you happier times ahead. :o)

23 Aug, 2014


Welcome back I wish you some relief all round

23 Aug, 2014


Welcome from me too.
prescription drugs scare me, with the disastrous effect on you should they really be prescribed?
Iknow they helped Derek but surely the drugs companies should not market it until its safe......
I am convinced statin damage is at the bottomof the pain I have, nothing shows on tests.....
these drugs hsven't been tested over years and years, they can't have done there isn't time.
I'm so sorry you had to experience such an awful time and I'm pleased and relieved you are back with us
🙅 thats a hug ( I think!) 😊

24 Aug, 2014


I am so pleased you have started to come around that dark bend Mouldy, it sounds an horrendous journey, we have all missed your humour and are so pleased you are back to tell us your story, it cannot be easy speaking about the dark days and depression, talking is good even if it is only on here, try to keep positive and please try to stay with us in more ways than one. :O)))))

24 Aug, 2014


Glad to see you back and all the best Mouldy.

24 Aug, 2014


Can you try the cheroots Billy, to see if they help for a few hours ? Sort of ease it off gradually.

26 Aug, 2014


Are there group therapy sessions in Glasgow Billy ?
These are very helpful with other illnesses here.

Nicotine addition is an illness deliberately inflicted by
the tobacco companies to make money, its sin No.1
in our society - committed by all the people who hold
shares in those companies. They kill people and dont give
a damn.

26 Aug, 2014


Agree with you there Diane, it's a money making scam, simple. I am speaking as so done who has met the people who do the business......

26 Aug, 2014


Mouldy I came on here to see if you were thinking of coming to Dunblane on Saturday. The hall is right across the road from the railway station. Reading what you have been through makes me shudder. OH was prescribed antibiotics and slept for a month. He did wake up to make trips to the loo but the little he ate was delivered to him in bed with the message that he should eat. I was worried sick. One Saturday morning he took his tablets like a model patient but an hour later when I took up his breakfast he was covered in a rash. As it was Saturday when our GP's are off we had to go to the out of hours clinic at the hospital. Bless them the Nurse practitioner was waiting for him and he was whisked in to see the doctor. Result is that I am now getting OH back to what he used to be but it takes a while. I won't repeat what the doctor said about his care but he won't be having those tablets again. You are remarkably cheery and almost sounding like the old Mouldy so if you want to join Scottish and I on Saturday at Dunblane we would be delighted to see you. We will show you how to spend your money at the trade stands so that you will not be able to buy ciggies. Mind you she is such a softie she would probably give you one of hers lol. Moongrower and Bulbaholic will also be there as they are office bearers. I hope you will come.

19 Feb, 2015


Gosh! Is it that time of year already Scotsgran? I didn't go last year, in fact my membership lapsed. It was strange, as I never got a reminder or anything. Perhaps they didn't care for me. ;)

19 Feb, 2015


Hi Karen, just a thought, did you tell them you had changed your address ?, Derek.

19 Feb, 2015


No Derek, but it lapsed before then. I don't think I've been a member for 2 years now. I should rejoin.

19 Feb, 2015


Karen, members of the public as well as SRGC members come to the bulb show with no entry charge. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE A MEMBER TO ENJOY A GREAT DAY OUT. I hope you can come as it is lovely to put a face to a name. I had a bit of bother trying to become a member but I think the troubles are now behind them with new computerised systems in place. You can join at the show or pick up an application form and have details of how to become involved later. I pay my membership by Direct Debit as I am useless at remembering to update things. I hope to see you there. That goes for all of the Scottish members who are within travelling distance. I'm sure if you need to have us pointed out to you Bulbaholic on the bookstand will be very pleased to see you and be of assistance. Moongrower seems to be here, there and everywhere so might be harder to pin down. Please pass this message on to other goyers.

20 Feb, 2015


Just incase you are reading this Mouldy, my friend has severe...and I mean severe migraines all the time. She has been a guinea pig for a couple of years now and one of the things the specialist put her on was anti.depressants ! Well...she has not been right since. They have given her very bad side effects too and last week she was put on a different one which made her cry at simply everything and very irritable ! You would think in this modern world , something better could be done for you and other people like my friend !
Sending best wishes and hope you will be back on here soon !

24 Feb, 2015

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