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Large Shrub - Instructions For The Removal Of

AndrewR

By AndrewR

24 comments


PREPARATION:

Phone the Met Office and arrange for cool, dry weather

Assemble necessary tools – spade, garden fork, trowel, hand fork, secateurs (for cutting small roots), pruning saw (for cutting large ditto), receptacle for placing assorted debris and ‘finds’, copious supplies of water, towel for removing excess perspiration

Set up 100 metre exclusion zone to exclude under-fives and those of a delicate nature who will not appreciate grunting and swearing. Explain the exclusion zone as being necessary due to unexploded bombs/release of methane gases/corpses of pets belonging to previous residents

E-mail local robin population informing them of free food uncovered during the operation

Request frequent delivery of mugs of tea

METHOD:

Cut down and shred all top growth. This gives the impression of rapid progress

Dig out surrounding plants, weeds, bulbs, glass, bricks, etc. Assemble in suitable large pile, ensuring any choice material is hidden from discerning gaze

Excavate six feet deep trench around remaining root ball. Ensure cup of tea arrives as trench is completed to gain maximum praise over methodology

Undercut root ball, breaking spade in the process (it is advised to have an old, disposable spade for this step of the operation)

Rock root ball in increasingly wild movements, ensuring feet are well clear, until all remaining roots are severed

Remove rootball without resorting to a winch

FINISH:

Fill in excavations and rake soil level. Sweep adjacent paths

Pile excavated stumps and rootball in artistically impressive arrangement

Arrange for inspection committee to review the site while nonchalantly leaning on best (unbroken) spade and gently wiping brow

Order hot bath/massage/beer/favourite meal/any other favours you think may be forthcoming

Visit Garden Centre or review plant catalogues for replacement plants

More blog posts by AndrewR

Previous post: Gardens of Ireland - Part 4

Next post: Private Gardens Of Cornwall - Part 1



Comments

 

thanks andrew ~ great blog ~ number 1 instruction ~ cool easily possible ~ but dry????

11 Sep, 2012

 

Gosh reading your blog and then Links I'm feeling shattered...where's the cuppa!

very well done!

11 Sep, 2012

 

Really enjoyed your blog.:O)

11 Sep, 2012

 

Great job you've done there....not to many bad words either...lol!
Have you decided what's going in next?

11 Sep, 2012

 

Andrew I love it, all your instructions are so good and certainly I relate to them, I`m best given lots of space when undertaking a task of that sort and I possess quite a number of dibbers in my shed that used to be forks and spades, as to the grunts and language, I`m a dab hand at both,LOL...

11 Sep, 2012

 

Scottish - I've not decided yet but possibly paeonia delavayi, a tree paeony with small, dark red flowers in May, and interesting foliage

11 Sep, 2012

 

ha ha ha ha ha lol I laughed my socks off think we can all relate to all of those instructions and efforts on digging up shrubs. what a good laugh thank you so much Andrewr. :O)

11 Sep, 2012

 

thats why i liked it so much oliveoil!!

11 Sep, 2012

 

:O) so funny!

11 Sep, 2012

 

;-)))

11 Sep, 2012

 

top job : )

11 Sep, 2012

 

Oh so funny and oh so true, was it a Viburnum? hard to tell from the photo. It looks as if you have taken out more than one!! though, have been doing the same here, but nothing like the size of your plants, thank goodness!! you have a lovely large space to fill, let us know what you decide....

11 Sep, 2012

 

I feel exhausted just reading your blog Andrew , but can relate to all you say. Love the photo of your garden with all the lovely trimmed hedges, and shall be interested to see what you plant in your newly claimed bed.

11 Sep, 2012

 

DD - no, it was a neillia. It's a suckering shrub, related to kerria. There were two or three distinct 'stools' and I'm sure there will be residual suckers which I will treat with systemic weedkiller to finish it off. There was also an unidentified fern (might have self sown) and a euonymus that never got going - it had practically no root on it

11 Sep, 2012

 

Great blog,Andrew..made me chuckle..:o) I think most of us will have been there,but you were very restrained with your language ! well done for keeping your cool :o))

11 Sep, 2012

 

I see, so one not to be grown again, can honestly say I have never heard of it, will google, euonymus grow like weeds here, which has to be a good thing, ideal for hiding unsightly objects.....

11 Sep, 2012

 

Ha ha. Reminded me of when I dug up 3 old Buddleias that were in the wrong places. Took me 3 weeks. I thought sawing off the tap root would not be effective, but it was. They did not reappear.
Strange how you forget these struggles on the garden.

11 Sep, 2012

 

DD - I had three rooted cuttings of a euonymus from my previous garden; two grew away well and made good bushes but this one never got going for some reason

12 Sep, 2012

 

Wonderful blog,Andrew.....thank goodness there was the carrot at the end......as in reviewing plant catalogues for future replacement!!!!Makes it all worthwhile.

12 Sep, 2012

 

Really funny, made me laugh out loud in recognition - specially the 'rock rootball in increasingly wild movements', the times I've done that. Usually accompanied by a prayer followed fairly swiftly but a bit of cursing cos its not coming out, even though its practically horizontal at the widest point of the 'rock'. But a 6 foot trench all round, I can only admire your dedication Andrew. Now all I've gotta do is work out quite which bit of the garden that is in the pic from my own photos taken in August...

12 Sep, 2012

 

Bamboo - it's heading from the sundial garden deeper into the back garden towards the fruit cage. The neillia was on the left of the path

12 Sep, 2012

 

Ah yes, I had sort of worked out where it must be - your garden has so many plants, it was difficult to remember quite where it was, lol. Looks a big space left there, that's for sure.

12 Sep, 2012

 

Had to read this out to T. So funny but def rang a few bells here.

16 Sep, 2012

 

HILARIOUS!!

20 Sep, 2012

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